Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I notice things....

I notice that the "weed" in my yard is the perfect shade of yellow that gradiates down into the center like a sunburst. I wonder,, if it had been found in a different time and place,, would it be as cherished as a rose?

I notice a little boy, with bright blue eyes, pulling on his mother's shirt to show her a picture he has drawn for her, but she is tied up in a conversation. I see his little face change from a bright light, to sadness. I wonder,, how many times have I missed my own children's excited tugs, while battling the worlds interuptions?

I notice the teenager with an overcontrolling boyfriend, pulling her away forcefully from her friends. I wonder,, did anyone take the time to tell her she is worth much more than that?

I notice the mom, pushing a shopping cart with children in tow, visibly worried about every item she places in an almost empty cart, watching the scanner and calculating it's damage, a prayer with every beep. I wonder,, do others notice me doing the same?

I see a dog, chained in a yard, surrounded by dirt, no shelter from the elements. He watches as another dog strolls by on a leash with a doting owner. I wonder,, does his heart sink with loss or is he contented to be a yard ornament?

I notice the business man, veins bursting, fist tightened as he drives his Mercedes and screams into the phone. I wonder, is the car worth the stress?

I notice my girls looking in the mirror at their bodies, questioning. I wonder, have my own insecurities jaded them already, or do I still have time?

I notice my comments when I tell bad jokes and long stories and you still read. I wonder, how did I get so lucky!

I notice the seed pods falling down from the trees like miniature helicopters in a botanical army and the dandelions sending out beautiful twirling ballerinas with every wisp of wind. I wonder, why did we ever have to grow up?
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Why I will never have sex again, By: The Blogger formerly known as : The Seductress

I know why I am single now. It is all perfectly clear and I am at peace with this (cough). I need to share this with you other sangle gals, so you'll understand (if you have this affliction) why he won't put a ring on it (cough).

I had a friend try and explain it to me. I say HAD because,well, see below... She said I was, and will be, single for a long time because:

A. I am old (cough)
B. I have young children
C. I am poor
D. I still have some medical issues

But that's not really it.

And it's not because when I sleep I cover my face up to the tip of my nose, and men might think they're living with a Middle Eastern woman or a quicksand victim on her last breath, nooooo.

Nope, not because I prefer jello vats to hot tubs..

And it's not because they are worried about stray sparkle transfer because sparkles look fabulous on everyone and I am a sparkle professional, so the transfer ONLY happens when you give me butterfly kisses (totally worth the risk!).

No, it's not because I have a green olive fetish and will hand you a jar and cock my head like a puppy hearing a shreak when you don't understand that it IS dinner.

I bet you think it might be because of my authentic renditions of Broadway hits, complete with spastic choreographic moves, at random times (like after laundry is folded or a peanut butter sammie is consumed).

Is it because I have on many occasions slipped in the grocery store whilst pushing a cart only to have the cart fly out of my hands and travel un-attended down the aisles at 50 MPH and knock over huge diplays of cans?

Or the fact that I HATE being poked, but I love TO poke.

Is it because I walk into walls or burn my forehead to medium rare once a week with the curling iron?

Maybe its because I have a 70/30 drop ratio of drinks handed to me at drive-thru windows....

Perhaps it's because I tell bad jokes, but expect you to at least call me a dork when I do.

Do you think it's because when if I ever get a chance to go out, and I do "rocker-chic" hair I really could use a Wagner power sprayer for hairspray application?? (well maybe)..

Is it because I am a geek and would happily watch retro cartoons all day??

No, the reason I am single was explained to me appropriately by one of my favorite comedians.

He said that Megan Fox was undateable because she has:


And that......


(Looking down at my thumbs sobbing) ......

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Saturday, March 26, 2011

I'm too sexy for my toiletries!! So sexy it hurts!!

My son was snooping in my bathroom. This is a crime. Should'nt there be ONE private stock room for a Seductress??

Where will I hide my pleasure captives now??

But he didn't find them hidden there,,, some of them covered in green jello,,, offering straws to partake in the limey goodness,,, and smiles to me on my lonliest nights,,, Some busy studying the complexities of Spam in order to accurately recreate it for me on my every heated whim,,, One holding a loaded Sephora card,,, and the keys to a Prius,,, yet another "rugged" example with a ticket to Alaska in his back pocket ..

Woosh... now that was a close one!!

But,, he did find something else!!


Yes, I keep a few in my cabinet just incase I want to play space man with a captive. But you may know them as Tampons. This is the exchange with my son as it went down.

Names have been changed to accentuate the obvious...

(Crinkling noise and muffled talking down the hall)

Traxx: MOM!!! I thought this was CANDY!!!

Olive Gal: No honey I am sorry, it's not, but little boys who snoop in mommies bathroom get in trouble.

T-man: But I needed a nandaid!!

Beautimus Maximus: Oh,, for what?

(He holds out a flawless finger that in his words was:
" botherin' me ta death")

Trouble: But I found THIS!!! IT'S NOT CANDY!!! IT'S A ...........ROCKET!!!

Sparklehoarder: No honey, its a thing for mommies only, please go put it back now!

(He runs back on cue and I feel like a great leader being followed by her troops......)

(running footsteps echo from down the hall in my direction)

Eating Machine: Uhhhhhhh mom (questioning tone).........I found YOUR diapers....

(Awkward silence as he holds up a sanitary napkin)

Cleopatric look a like: Well son, again that is a mommy item NOT a diaper.

My son: It's a Pamper??!!

Beauty Incarnate: No!! It is NOT it is a grown up thing... for big people only....

(My son looks at the item and the lightbulb flashes above his head, in a knowing manner he blurts out his next great discovery in life)

Cutie: OOOOOOHHHH.....................

it's a.....................................................

...Grown-UP PULL-UP!!

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Monday, March 21, 2011

Cheese and Kites!! But not really......

Listen.... Don't you hate when someone says "listen" before a statement? Because if I wasn't, listening that is, wouldn't even saying "listen" before speaking BE a mute point within itself?? And can a point even BE mute? Dull or POINTLESS maybe,, but mute?? But, I digress.

My life OFFICIALLY sucks!! But this is GOOD news because when your life UN-OFFICIALLY sucks you don't get the uber-cool seal to affix to your forehead!! It's bedazzled and comes in 5 fruity "scratch and sniff" smells!!

Seeeeee! You KNOW you want one!!

But listen, (evil grin),,, I was out of toilet paper, but don't judge my lack of planning yet,, I HAD 3 rolls on Friday before my kid's got ahold of them. So Sunday night when it was ALL gone, I questioned the Bermuda Triangle's that are my children's rear ends, to no avail.

I always wondered why the packages of toilet paper gasp and whimper when my children walk past. I imagine they worry about things like life expectancy and longevity as we do. They probably have "bucket lists" of celebrity or royal rears they want to service. And sitting there on the store shelf, I witness all of the packs of my brand, jump back really quick, leaving one shivering 4 pack in my reach. And then, in an act of selfishness, the neighboring packs kick the next victim harshly,and it screams for mercy as it falls onto my cart's steely cold grate.

Well thankfully,, this predicament I was in, so late on a Sunday night, had a "strip the 2-ply paper towel" solution for a while, at least until the morning when I grumbled at the kids to hold it until school.

Right before work however, I was in need!!

(Insert dramatic music here...)

So I sent the kids to the car scoping for hoarded restaraunt napkins.


I was given a restaraunt packaged napkin and plastic utensil set!!


I opened my present, discarded the utensils in the trash and promptly resumed business. Seconds later, the depths of Hell ravaged my nether regions. I fumbled with the sink, splashing gallons of cold water on myself, and whatever else was in the way, as I danced in pain.

I pull the package out to investigate.


......HOLY HALIBUT..........

.......I HAD SEASONED MYSELF!!!.........
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Saturday, March 19, 2011

Brown Sugar wishes.....

Yesterday I was at a Meet and Greet for work. That's the part of the show when I come out and introduce my rampant amounts of professionality and inteligence to the masses in the hope that they will "buy" it and want to do business with a closet tard.

"So what could possibly go wrong in THIS scenario?" you ask, painfully aware of my unintentional and unrestrained lapses of sanity and sparkle control.

Well YES....... of course I will tell you!

It all started this one time in Band camp when....(insert wavy memory vision waves here....)

WAIT....Wrong story, this is a family blog!

I arrived and started to set up for the event after walking a thousand miles down corridors smattered with offices I knew were filled with the sexy doctors about to be smitten with the wiles of nerdom and clumsiness that are me!

But for now, I had cookies to delicately and artistically arrange, showcasing my intense detail to the unnecessary. After the authentically reproduced, chocolate chip cookie Eiffel Tower show piece complete with lighted detail was perfected, I deduced that I needed a trip to the restroom, so I sauntered down the hall to P&S (potty and sparkle).

I passed an office containing a vision of a man and moonwalked backwards to catch a second look giving him the opportunity to gawk at me should he desire. He didn't, but while shifting into drive, my leg caught the wrath of a bitter metal chair. The chair placed a pinhole run in my panty hose. I spat at the chair and continued to the restroom where in pulling up my once pristeen black panty hose, my hand raped the pinhole run. I now stood, surrounded by the violins of sadness, horrified by the now titanic sized hole in my hose.

"This certainly is NOT the first impression I wanteeeeeed!!", I sang, Broadway style, accentuated with choreographically magical dance moves, complete with imaginary tap shoes.

I knew then that my only option for the day was to slip my arm down the panty hose, stick my hand out the hole, and wave enthusiastically as if all was normal and I was a sexy well put together beast!

...That is until, at lunch, I discovered the hospital's store and the wonders of $1.99 Brown Sugar brand panty hose.....to be continued.....

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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

BOB!! Is that YOU???

Lately my Plenty-o-fish email has been going crazy. I have not been there in a long while because I am preparing to be the neighborhood's crazy old figdgety "cat" lady (but with Iguanas), wearing Mickey Mouse sweaters and galoshes in the summer and crocheting you a sparkly toilet paper caddy ( that's how I KNOW you won't talk me out of being the crazy "non-cat" cat lady,,, I've seen your toilet paper, and it is painfully exposed!).

Truthfully I have been holding up at home and work. There is no time/finances for anything else right now, and I am so very thankful to have both a home AND work!!

On the surface, THAT sounds like a good excuse right?? It's at least better than saying:

Men scare the halibut out of me and I am WAY out of "wooing 'da pipekeeper practice"!!


I should really pull my profile off of POF but it is comical reading the emails from time to time and laughing at the smarmafication of America (and also because when I get a notice text reading something like: "69SRUS Emailed you today!" , it makes me all blushy and schoolgirlish and I have to wear pigtails and plaid the next day...No, not really!)

The last few days have been filled with an influx of "Bob's" though and I am questioning my adversion to "Bob". Here is a rundown of the screen names:


It's been strange that ALL of these "Bob's" have taken an interest in me in the last month. I've never dated a "Bob", but I am sure it is a nice species of manimal (I kid- I kid!!!) In fact, if all of these "Bobs" morphed into one creature I deduce it would be something similar to a Platypus and I love me a chattering Platypus!

Simplebob and Plainbob are probably twins- I do hope for "Siamese" though because that could either be EXTREMELY romantically awkward (which would put me back here with unlimited blogging potential!) -or- WILDLY romantically epic! (which would put me back here with unlimited blogging material-cough)

Fishin'bob would provide sustenance for the family and be tanned and shiny, smelling like beer and tuna all the time.

Finishlinebob would be quick to do everything-and that's good for oil changes and home repairs-(cough)-or maybe he is actually a Finnish Line-man and just forgot an "n". And although I know nothing about Finnish men, it sounds very interesting, would'nt you agree??

Then we have Smilingbob, he gets props for perfect screen name annunciation patterns (unlike Fishin' bob,, hmmpf) and would always laugh at my stupid jokes and tickle my perfectly painted piggies and he smells like puppy kisses.

All in all, "Bob" sounds like a wonderful match for me and my Iguanas and half finished toilet cozy's...

So to my special, special, Siamese twin, shiny, sustenance bringing, Finnish, puppy breath, toe tickling, Platypus Bob Manimal, wherever you are.......

Call me!!! (I say while doing that uber-cool finger phone thingy with my hand)

.....and lets sit in a vat of Green Jello together whilst performing Opratic renditions of Bon Jovi's greatest hits and trying to lovingly stare into each other's eyes through our green olive and pineapple exclusive spa type eye treatments.

Oh, you don't like Green Jello??
Damn it,, I'm gonna be single forever!!!

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Friday, March 11, 2011

David Beckham and SPAM...mmmmmmmm

You know, I was thinking. I tend to do that when I least expect it. Of course with my immense intelligence levels, this is a gift and a curse. Maybe that's why I will never fairly win a staring contest, words zip up through my peripheral lobes and force me to question, research or merely ascertain my opponents weaknesses. And then I either burst out into a spitting laughter or flash him to disarm his defenses. The "flash" immobilizes him and he loses focus. Once he's done incorrectly answering the mathematic problems on said flash cards, I have already won.... (what,,,, OH,,,, suki suki now,,, you thought I was flashing my ladylights?? Nah, people never bring beads to a staring contest OR a mathmatical gathering of the minds,,, there would be no reason to flash,,,,, duh!)

OK, so maybe I am not THAT smart, maybe quirky and "off the cuff" could define me.

But you are supposed to be on my side here, so let's move on..

Anyway, I was thinking that I possibly have missed my calling. With these days of YouTube overnight stardom, you have to wonder how many of us have secret talents and skills that would blow someones mind and propel us to instant YouTube fame.

But how exactly does a fellow find out that he can suck a gallon of lemmoncello vodka and fruit infused jello shots up his nostril through a bendy straw while releasing it, pineapple chunks and all, through the other nostril and down 2 flights of stairs in a clear tube that is stragically placed in the mouth of his drunken mowhawked friend???

So it would seem to me that I have a lot of research to do.

You know, figuring out if I can fart the alphabet while wearing a cocktail dress with a Barnie suit underneath and a pug lovingly humping my oversized purple tail..

Or possibly if I can snort food coloring and then sneeze priceless pieces of artwork.

Tonight however, I will be seeing how intriquitely and physilogically detailed I can carve day old SPAM into a 50ft statue of David Beckham with pimentoless green olive details.

Surely that's YouTube -AND-Food Channel Challenge worthy,, wouldn't you agree???

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

STILL..Poor as a church mouse with a dirrrty conscience remix....

I am. Yep, that's me, a sexy hot mouse, and poor, except no dirrrty conscience because my halo, she is still-a-shinin'!! See it? The pureness that flows from me is inspiring, inspiring me to SNORE!! But let's get back to the whole concept of POOR. I is, and I know I am not alone, I am sure plenty of you (like me) are stealing packs of ketchup, mild taco sauce, and Sporks (just because I love me a good Spork) from Taco Bell, only to take it home and add it to hot water to make Mexican "Spicy" Tomato soup for dinner (nom nom cough spit). Oh you don't? I see. Well I guess that you are not separating two-ply toilet paper then either are you? Hmmmpf. This means that I win the Pathetic Existence Award Frugality Award for 2010!!! (May I suggest a prize package of toilet paper and Campbell's Tomato soup? .. And maybe some crackers and a tube of the New and Improviest Mascara....).

But here are some things I have learned lately being poor... Enjoy them FOR FREE!!!

No matter what you do with bologna it will never taste like steak (or chicken) (or hamburger) (or steak-ums), but it does come close to really stale dried out SPAM-WOOOHOOOO!!

Mascara addiction is a REAL DISEASE, with withdraw symptoms, Dr. Drew won't help me but, I think I'm gonna need a patch

"Kitchen Sink" casseroles should only be attempted by people with culinary prowess

Being poor is a skill no one wants to study or master

Off brand window cleaner sucks

Dish Network with a "limited" channel package is like a S'more with no chocolate

In Florida, putting your air at 78 Degrees yields a ridiculous bill and much glistening

Home Owner Association members NEVER have problems that prevent them from mowing their yards

Walking to the store with a 4 year old to save gas was a good idea.... ONCE

"Fresh" Strawberries in a can are NOT

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Chef BOYARDEE was not a real chef

Things only sell when you want the money to purchase a bigger better thing and not when you need it to survive

It's worth it to buy a decent toilet paper that doesn't disintegrate in your hands

Cheap sliced cheese resembles puss when melted

I miss perfume and sex (they kinda go together in my mind)

Bright nail polish on my piggies still makes me feel spoiled

Paying for things with change irritates people

Shampoo can be mixed with water half/half if you never want your hair to feel clean

Sending a bill for payment with a check you didn't sign (by mistake) only irritates people and gets things cut off faster (the gig is up)

The "Clover Valley" brand at Dollar General tastes GREAT if you cock your head while eating it and think about McDonald's strawberry milkshakes

Dr. Pibb should kick Dr. Thunder's ass for the assumption of similarity

Short story time kiddies!! Gather 'round!!

When you work at a bank, it is common for non-customers to come in without ID wanting to cash a check drawn on the bank. They will almost always say:

" But, I need the money to go GET an ID!!"

The other day I passed Walgreens and they had a Blood donor truck there. They were offering a $10 Walgreens gift card for a donation. I tried to give but was turned away because of my low iron levels.

This is the method I used with the Blood bank girl:

"But, I need the money to go GET Iron Infused Multi Vitamins!!"

She was a smart one though, not falling for my scheme..

"can I just have a cookie then?"


"fashionable Red Cross logo apparel??"

"A letter of recommendation to give blood in the future?"

(awkward silence)

"Don't call anyone, I'm leaving"

(on the way out)

"Dammit kids, there goes our 150 packs of Ramen Noodles!!"

free hugs Pictures, Images and Photos
While supplies last!!

I hope your day is rich with smiles and hugs and Green Olives!!! ...and maybe some SPAM!!!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Battles from the confectionary underground...

Battles are everywhere-but those of us with (ahem) an overactive mind, can imagine even the most mundane of inanimate objects could face off in comedic, nonsensical and very EPIC confrontations. I see with my "special" eyes that, thar lays-a-brewing---a war that will change the lives of millions -NAY- billions of people.

I give you:

Battles from the confectionary underground.......

See.....See with your special eyes! (or buy from 1-800-contacts)

(Insert heart poundingly dramatic riff here along with Sean Connery's buttery soft voice for full cinematic blog experience).


AND THE KING...........IS.......

.........A MARSHMALLOW...................................


........(said with an epic voice).......

BREWING......... IT IS:


... earlier this week the proponents of this battle (regular sized marshmallows and minis) sat around a huge Moonpie table discussing the boundaries of marshmallowy treat branding rights.

If you were a fly on the wall, you would have overheard heated exchanges such as:

"Look minis, you guys OWN the Ambrosia and Watercress fruit salads and reign in Rocky Road type delectables, we DEMAND Hot Chocolate branding or there will be much fluff lost in battle!"

(A squeaky little mini stands up and pounds the Moonpie table top for dramatic effect)

"You got S'mores AND Rice Krispy Treats,, the OTHER ultimate marshmallowy branding prizes!! Let US have the Cocoa rights...

...and we'll let you still be chocolate fondue's favorite bitch!!"

Just then, the smallest of uninvited voices started to speak in unison:

"meeeeeeeeep meeeepity meep meep meep"

Everyone in the room stopped for a moment to acknowledge the littlest and least respected of the marshmallow species----- they were the dehydrated marshmallows ALREADY pre-packaged in cocoa packets world wide. They feel they ALREADY have Hot Chocolate branding ordinance.

They draw a perverbial line in the cocoa (battle).

I will translate, as they speak only in the language of minuteian.

"meep meep meeeeeep meep meeeep meeeep"

"We must stop wishing that we were created by a Leprechaun in many many magical shapes and cherished by children world wide as they seperate us from the blandness of the sweetened corn cereal to enjoy us purely for our wondress offerings----- for that would be the "charmed" life and THIS is our reality!!!"

(Sorry, they get wordy in their inferiority.....)


"This is ALL we have!!! Be of kind heart and allow us; the RIGHTFUL residents of the "marshmallow lovers" package, to have our MEEEEEEEEEEPING glory!!"

Tears filled the room----- but only from the bulbous eyes of the dehydrates.

And with that, the battle lines are drawn. Fancy toothpicks and armour made of that crackle chocolaty ice cream topping will be donned and.....YES.......

There will be much fluff lost in:


....in theaters this spring.......tip your bloggers!!!! And try the veal!! I'm here all week wakka wakka wakka!!